How Traumatic Boundary Violations Affect Your Ability to Practice Self-Care
Self-care is the intentional practice of actions that support our well-being, such as doing things that bring enjoyment, prioritizing physical health with nourishing meals and quality sleep, or saying “no” when needed without guilt. Choosing which self-care activity to practice is about responding to our needs, capacity, and safety, not following a checklist.
But what happens when the boundaries that protect our physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational space are too rigid, too elusive, or non-existent? When boundaries are compromised, even simple acts of self-care can feel overwhelming, undeserved, or unsafe.
This blog post discusses how trauma can erode our boundaries and our sense of who we are and how rebuilding those boundaries - our personal rights, our identity, our voice, and our space - can help us better understand what self-care really means and how to bring it into our lives.
What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?
Boundaries are the limits that separate our physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and relational space and sense of self from others. They help us know where we end and another person begins.
In a healthy state, boundaries are fluid and flexible. They shift depending on the relationship, situation, and how safe we feel. For example, a friend can stand closer than a stranger, and with someone threatening, we may need more distance. Boundaries act like a screen, helping us decide what to allow in and what to keep out. Through boundaries, we learn to differentiate “this is me” and “this is not me.” They protect us from harm, whether it’s standing up for ourselves, saying no, or avoiding unhealthy food.
Example - The Fence
Think of boundaries like the fence around a home. You can decide who gets to come through the gate, how close they can get, and under what conditions. The fence isn’t meant to isolate you; it exists to keep you safe, separate your space from others, and communicate to everyone where the limits are.
When boundaries are healthy, the “fence” works like a signal system. If someone is testing the limits, pushing past what feels comfortable, speaking to you in a way that feels disrespectful, or crossing a line, you notice it. Your body may give you a signal: a knot in your stomach, a sense of unease, or tension in your shoulders. That discomfort tells you to pause, step back, or reassess the situation.
When trauma has weakened boundaries, that signal system doesn’t work the same way. The warning signs can be faint, confusing, or even absent. Instead of alerting us, violations can start to feel familiar, sometimes even normal. Over time, it can feel like the fence is broken down and the doors of the home don’t close properly, and there’s no alarm system, making it harder to keep yourself safe.
This is one of the ways trauma erodes self-protection. The natural signals that help you recognize when something isn’t right become dulled or ignored. Part of healing is rebuilding the fence and learning again to notice those signals, trust them, and strengthen the boundaries that allow you to feel connected to yourself and others.
How Boundary Violations Become Traumatic
When we are forced to act against our internal signals and feelings, those feelings gradually become harder to bear. Over time, what once served as a guide, our emotions, can begin to feel like a betrayer. This process often unfolds over many years and is one of the most serious effects of severe boundary violations. It creates harmful splits within a person, formed from repeatedly acting contrary to their own feelings.
If you grew up in a family where boundaries were absent or always breached, you may have had little guidance in developing healthy boundaries. You might have learned that saying “no” was selfish, that love means putting others first at all costs, or that your needs were too much.
We first learn about boundaries through the way we are treated as children. Later, we teach others where our boundaries lie by how we allow them to treat us.
The Link Between Boundaries and Self-Care
Self-care is about respecting our own limits and honoring our needs. It’s saying “no” to what harms you, and saying “yes” to what supports your health, dignity, and self-esteem. Clear boundaries are essential for self-care: knowing where they are, what they mean to you personally, what it feels like when someone is crossing them, and how to protect or enforce them when necessary.
Imagine a fence around a garden. At first, the fence protects the flowers inside. But if people repeatedly trample it, break it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, eventually the fence collapses. Without protection, the garden becomes vulnerable to weeds, animals, and erosion. In the same way, boundary violations and neglect can be like a broken-down fence. Without a fence or clear markers, you may no longer recognize when someone is overstepping or completely absent and neglectful. Instead, you grow used to the patterned response of being walked over, or expect no one to be there to love and respect you.
The Erosion of Self-Trust
One of the most damaging effects of boundary violations is the loss of self-trust. Trauma survivors carry messages of shame: “I should have stopped it,” or “I should have known better.”
The self-blame can be so loud that even when you try to practice self-care, it feels shallow or surface-level. For trauma survivors, engaging in meaningful self-care requires restoring connection to the self, including the parts that were abandoned or abused. This inside-out work is challenging, but it is also deeply important.
When Caring for Oneself Becomes A Threat to Survival
The confusion around self-care often comes down to survival. For many trauma survivors, saying “no” or asking for what they need once carried real risks: the threat of rejection, punishment, abandonment, or even violence. In those moments, caring for yourself is a direct threat to survival.
It’s not that you don’t want to care for yourself; it’s that your nervous system has been wired to prioritize protection over connection. Survival demanded silence, compliance, or self-abandonment.
Rebuilding Boundaries, Reclaiming Self-Connection
Self-care is not just about routines, habits, or pampering activities. At its core, it’s about repairing self-connection. It’s a process of learning to listen inwardly to parts of yourself that were pushed down, silenced, frightened, or ashamed. This work is not about rushing or forcing change, but about moving at the pace of trust, safety, and attunement. Self-care involves befriending wounded parts with curiosity, interest, and compassion, much like building a relationship with someone you care about.
When your mind and body have learned that being seen, expressing yourself, having a voice, saying “no,” taking up space, or holding differing opinions and feelings is unsafe, then rebuilding boundaries means showing these parts of you that you are here, committed to keeping them safe, and beginning to create the protective and caring relationship they never had.
I’ve included a list of reflective prompts to help you explore your relationship with boundaries and self-care. If you’d like to go deeper, consider reaching out to a therapist or healer, as this work can be truly transformative with a compassionate guide by your side. If my approach resonates with you, I invite you to reach out for a free consultation to discuss your therapy goals and scheduling.
Reflective Prompts on Boundaries and Self-Care:
Do you notice moments when saying “no” feels impossible, even when you want to?
Were there times when the people who were supposed to protect you were also the ones who hurt you?
Were there times in your past when your feelings or needs were ignored, minimized, or punished?
Have you ever felt like it was safer to stay quiet than to express your thoughts or opinions?
Do you sometimes feel guilty for resting, setting limits, or prioritizing yourself?
Did you grow up in an environment where love was tied to compliance, obedience, or self-sacrifice?
Have you ever felt that caring for yourself meant you were selfish, difficult, or ungrateful?
Have you ever learned to dismiss your body’s signals (like hunger, exhaustion, or pain)?
Does love sometimes feel entangled with control, responsibility, or carrying another person’s emotions?
Can you remember a time when someone genuinely respected your limits, choices, and voice? What did that feel like in your body?
Do you find it easier to show compassion to others than to yourself?
